Katie (katiekaput) wrote in trannydykes,
Katie
katiekaput
trannydykes

an intro...

so here's a katie-summary: i'm 26, i've got two kids (6 and 2) with my awesome dyke exgirlfriend, i do a 'zine called night cookies (it's about all the things that i'm about: parenting, radical politics, sex, being single, books, chickens, gardening, etc. if you want to read it, e-mail me at katiekaput at gmail dot com and we can work something out)... the four of us are moving to portland, oregon next month after spending some time living in rural northern california. part of why we're moving is 'cause e. and i broke up while living here and that made living-in-the-woods go from "really cozy" to "really isolating and lonely." our whole family is still gonna be under one roof when we move. i've been involved in trans and dyke communities since i was 14, and hopefully i've learned something at some point and am not as annoying as i once was.;) i write songs and i want to be in another punk band (i was in a "riot grrrl" type band you've never heard of in my hometown) before i'm 35. and after, too, please.

my thoughts on trans girls liking trans girls in my life: i've always been attracted to women in general, but this concept of trans women being attracted to trans women has become important to me since becoming single. i see it (in my life, not necessarily in yrs!) as a manifestation of my self-love and self-respect to really openly acknowledge that among the women that i find hot are other trans women. i am just now learning self-love and self-respect, so bare with me.;)

i've also been feeling like my relationships with non-trans women have consistently left me feeling vulnerable and weaker in some sense than them, perhaps through too much comparison to them in terms of me "not measuring up" and maybe also because my experience of being a trans woman in radical feminist circles has been that i am, to some extent, at the mercy of non-trans women so long as i don't have extremely well-trusted allies around me.

i will stop rambling now because i am being called to climb a tree. <3
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I have a strong attraction to trans women as well. Out of my current romantic and intimate relationships, the majority are with transsexual women.

There are a few thoughts I've had regarding why this is the case in my life.

First, there is something about our shared experiences. It simply makes the relationship more comfortable. There is just a certain understanding about body issues and things like that, and while each transsexual woman is unique in her relationship with her body, that uniqueness is just simply understood. If we feel okay in our skin and physicality one day, not okay the next and okay again a week later, it does not require a whole lot of explanation.

I feel comfortable those times that I want to take charge, be aggressive or otherwise top with transsexual women, that I do not feel comfortable displaying with cissexual lesbian women. I am concerned that if I am, then I will get accused of being male or masculine. One of these days I'm going to write a post about internal colonization, and how it can be compared to the dynamics of transsexual women in women's spaces.

And there is a third, and very important element to my attraction to transsexual women and that is huge mix of mix of strength and pain and loneliness and triumph and so many other amazing things I see in their eyes. There is just so much there that comes simply from having that conflict with one's subconscious sex and biology and social expectations. And the connection I share in the soul and spirit. Really, there is just something so amazing there in every single trans woman I have met, that I find it difficult not to be attracted.
sable twilight said "I feel comfortable those times that I want to take charge, be aggressive or otherwise top with transsexual women, that I do not feel comfortable displaying with cissexual lesbian women. I am concerned that if I am, then I will get accused of being male or masculine. One of these days I'm going to write a post about internal colonization, and how it can be compared to the dynamics of transsexual women in women's spaces."

please do write that post one of these days.

i think about the stuff you brought up here a lot, especially lately. for a long time i didn't realize how uncomfortable, shut down, and dissociated i was with non-trans women because of that discomfort around worrying that they will say or act like or even just think for a second that i am "being male," as you said. --katie
Done. Had to post it in my journal because I had not signed up as a full member here yet. But it's public viewable, so no worries.
Hi Katie! Welcome!

I agree with everything written above. Cissexual dykes (and perhaps fags) do enjoy a certain level playing field with one another - and I think that transdykes have the same thing going on. There is a certain something about that level playing field, that deep mutual understanding, the shared history of pain, joy, and exploration. Trans on trans love is about as purely, truly HOMOsexual as you can get.

I do find that as time has gone on I've become more comfortable "topping" cissexual women. But I do still have a little voice in the back of my head telling me to hold back a bit. When I am in cissexual dyke spaces, I find I am much more laid back and low key, especially in setting such as being around a bunch of bikedyke tomboys where there is already a high machismo level. I get alot more comfortable being my tomboy self in trans-safe spaces.
Reading your reply I realize there is I might want to clarify something I wrote about not feeling like it is okay with top cissexual women.

On occasion I participate in women's leather space as well. In this spaces, I do not feel comfortable being aggressive or predatory with the cissexual women there, like I see many of the other leather dykes get away with. If it is another transsexual women, that's fine, but I almost feel like there is an unwritten, unspoken rule of "don't hit on the femme cissexual girls"...

Unless, and here is the caveat, they happen to be some one I am known to be good friends with outside the scene as well. Then they are safe territory for me to top. But still, only to a limited degree. Like as long as it does not get too sexual.

This might just me being self-conscious or not. I don't know, because I don't have much in the way of other's experiences to compare mine against.
i am pretty femme in most ways and this seems to make non-trans dykes feel "safe" around me and noncompetitive (although i can practically hear them thinking "god she is so annoying and fake and prissy"... although i am really just how i've always been;).

thanks for the welcome.:) <3, k.
welcome to Portland!
There's also a pdx trans group you may wish to join with as well. Welcome to the Rose City
do you mean a livejournal group or more of an (i typed "real" at first but i don't mean it like that) in-person social group? (here in in the woods the only way to find other queer folks is by going to the once-a-month social group... but this particular set of older 1970's back-to-the-land lesbians didn't seem to have much use for me or my young, butch breast-feeding ex... oh well;) <3, k.
LJ group:
http://community.livejournal.com/trans_portland/profile

Very quiet, really. I tried to see if anyone wanted to go have coffee at night with me, but apparently I'm too scary :P

Caroline

i'll have coffee with you when i move next month! unless i'm too scary, too... <3, katie
haaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy this post and a couple of the above comments r awesum.
i know; i'm so glad some people responded. sometimes living where i live i start to think that i must speak a different language than all the straight hippies whose kids are friends with my kids...